The Answer Lies in the Question

While flying back from Singapore to Bali, I was looking forward to some 'down time' and using my anonymity to not have to talk to anyone. Do you ever have those moments when you just want to veg out? (Wasn't sure if all my readers would understand what 'veg out' means - apparently it is to relax in a slothful and mindless manner and this is exactly how I would depict my feelings at this time). I wanted to see the end of the film that I started watching on the way to Singapore, so was quite happy to be on my own. My seat was at the end of a row of three and next to two Asian men. As we were waiting to take off, the more senior man in the middle seat started talking to me. As much as I wanted to switch off, after three days of meetings, training and coaching in Singapore, I couldn't be impolite and ignore him. It turned out that these two men were on their way back home to Bali. The younger one was 25 years old and had been looking for a job in telecommunications in Singapore where he could improve his English skills. His ultimate career ambition was to work in the USA. He had been working in telecommunications for four years in Bali and had only spoken Indonesian.  The challenge for him in Singapore was that he couldn't speak enough English to get a job and then be able to improve his English.

Have you ever come across the situation where you want to do something, but you don't have enough of whatever you need to be able to get what you want? I empathised with this young Balinese man. I experienced it early on in my career and since then, when I didn't have enough experience to do what I wanted to do, but how could I get experience when I didn't have enough experience in the first place?! I have met and coached many people in similar situations whether they are starting out in their careers or wanting to make a transition into something else. How do you get the experience without having the experience in the first place?  The answer lies in the question.

The older man asked me many questions such as the usual interrogation applicable to a foreigner, 'Where are you from, What do you do, Where do you live etc'.  As part of this questioning process he discovered that I work from both Bali and Singapore.  He then proceeded to ask me the direct question, "Could my friend work with you?  He can improve his English and do whatever you need him to do." As I momentarily paused to respond he added: "He can work for you for free for 3 months, so he can improve his English." The young man looked at me hopefully, his brown eyes asking for me to give him a chance, although I wasn't sure how much he understood that his friend had just committed him to working for free. Inspite of being surprised by the direct question, I admired the older man for doing what he could to help and guide the younger guy and the young man who was willing to do anything (even work for free) to improve his English. I have an enormous amount of respect and time for people who have an attitude where they will do whatever they can to learn a new skill, or do what they have to do to get where they want to get.  People like this will not let obstacles, limitations or hurdles get in their way. Knowing that I could make it possible for this young man to learn English, I was happy to hand over my business card and tell him to contact me.

The next day I received a prompt email response from the 25 year old which he had obviously written all by himself. It made me smile that he wanted to 'learn speak English on the busyness sidelines' and if I wasn't too busy he wanted to 'play while helping me at my home in Bali'!  Apparently, this is a direct translation from Indonesian which means that he would like to visit me. He apologised profusely for disturbing me and sincerely appreciated that I had shown an interest in helping him. As a result he now has an interview with my Balinese team leader to see if she can find an appropriate role for this willing individual in the team - as we have so much to do and he is offering his services for free, I am sure he will be able to help out.

In life, if you don't ask you don't get. If something is not working the way you want it to, ask yourself  'What can I do to make things work?, What do I need? How can I get it?'. What empowering questions can you ask yourself or others to get the results you are looking for? 

When asking others, throw away all concerns about making a fool of yourself. As the Chinese proverb says:-

"He who asks is a fool for five minutes, but he who does not ask remains a fool forever."

In your work and personal life too as Jack Canfield says:-

"If you are not moving closer to what you want in sales (or in life), you probably aren't doing enough asking."

My 5 year old daughter informed me that we have one mouth and two ears, so that we do less talking and listen more. Remember to ask and listen more. The answer lies in the question.

Janet

Find out more about how to ask the right questions by attending our next Coaching for Leaders programme. Contact Sandra Lai on +65 6232 2466 or email sandralai@nolimitsasia.com

Being Mum

The last week has been an interesting one, juggling some work and mainly being Mum / Head Entertainment Organiser for my 3 daughters who had their half term week break from the Green School.  My husband happened to be in Singapore and Hong Kong (sometimes I think he feels outnumbered by us girls - even our pets are all girls), so it was up to me and my girls to entertain ourselves in Bali.

By the beginning of the week, I had already organised 2 sleep-overs and a  couple of playdates at our place and was feeling quite exhausted from the fear of children knocking themselves out by precariously swinging from the tree and divebombing into the pool and chasing themselves around the house playing tag as they slid and slipped across the wet tiles with our two Bali dogs excitedly barking and running close on the heals of the children. My biggest fear was not so much the children cutting their heads open on the slippery stone and tiles, but where on earth would I take them to in a place like Bali.  I knew my route so well to Accident and Emergency in Singapore, I could have done it blindfolded but I've heard the standard of healthcare in Bali is a far cry from Singapore, so rather than worry about something that is more likely to happen if I did think about it, I decided to turn my attention to everything turning out ok, which it fortunately did!

Being Mum, also requires for some unknown reason, dealing with the pets that the children claim to own. It was early morning, the girls had eaten their breakfast and were quietly occupying themselves. Even though I was dressed in my gym gear (including wearing my anonymous cap and sunglasses) I didn't feel like going for my usual walk/jog with the dogs so I decided to do some skipping instead. My peace was shortlived, when the two dogs who happen to be sisters started bickering at one another.  As the volume of their screeching became louder and louder, I had no choice but to intervene, trying to split the dogs apart with my skipping rope. All I could see was our black dog, Midnight, seemingly mauling our cream coloured dog - Cream- by the scruff of her neck, so much so her white fur had turned pink from blood.
My immediate reaction was to shout and scream, which only heightened the noise and created even more havoc. Hearing the din, my two Balinese house staff came running to help me out, so now I also had two people who didn't understand me as well. We reverted to sign language and then I noticed that Midnight's teeth had got caught up in Cream's metal choker collar. Cream was suffocating as Midnight tried to pull away and Midnight's mouth was full of blood from her teeth being stuck in the chain. I wanted to faint at the sight and smell of blood. In spite of being brought up as a butcher's daughter and taking pigs tails and cows eyes to school, so that all the other children would be in awe of me, I become quite pathetic at the sight and smell of blood. By now there was blood everywhere as I tried to hold the frantic dogs together and tried to think of a way to untangle them.  Strangely enough my children, had vanished from the scene of carnage.

"Pliers," I shouted to the staff trying to demonstrate that we needed to cut the collars in order to free the dogs. The wife ran off in a frenzy and quickly brought back a pair of the smallest scissors I have ever seen!

"No, no bigger," I exclaimed as I tried to demonstrate 'big' by holding out my chest, while desperately clinging onto the dogs, the one going beserk in pain and the other almost dying from suffocation. The wife ran off again and came back with a pair of huge shears that were so heavy that her petit frame could hardly lift them! There was no way I was going to slip these shears under the dog's collar that was already so tight it was choking her to death. 

As we struggled to keep ourselves and the frantic dogs from falling into the goldfish pond, my driver turned up for work. He casually looked at us, smiled, spoke some Indonsian to the husband and wife and walked off! He re-appeared after about 5 minutes with a pair of pliers.  Oh thank god, even though my driver's English is limited to "Raining today" or "Sunny today", he had the common sense to realise that we needed a pair of pliers. As he approached the dogs with the pair of pliers, they both jumped up and magically released themselves from the tangle that they had got themselves into. When I asked the girls what had happened to them, they said they were too scared to help! This whole little episode seemed to wear me out for the rest of the day. Luckily in the afternoon, we had the good fortune to pop over to a beach destination in Bali called Sanur. We met up with my 10 year old's teacher who also used to be her teacher in Singapore and we had a lovely, relaxed afternoon looking out onto the beach and calm, blue turquoise sea.

The next day I was determined to have a good time, so we drove up to Ubud to do some Christmas shopping (living away from the UK, I have to be organised when sending back presents for Christmas). I had a romantic idea of my 3 daughters and me merrily walking the streets, admiring the little boutique shops and happily buying presents. We arrived and parked in Ubud at 11.15am, five minutes later my 5 year old started complaining about how far she had walked in the heat. The sun was beating down and the pavements in Ubud are pot-holed, broken and totally uneven, so it was like climbing a series of mini mountains for my youngest daughter. My two older girls started to complain too and wanted to stop for lunch. So we stopped for early lunch at 11.30am and abandoned our early Christmas shopping plans. Fortunately we were in Ubud for another reason, where I could kick 'Plan B' into action and after a surprisingly enjoyable, complaint free lunch, we drove off to find our friends who also used to live in Singapore and now lived just outside Ubud.  My friend, Louise, told me that we should drive straight, pass the big temple and we would easily see the sign for their place. She failed to tell me how many temples there were before we got to the big temple!  In Bali every house has a temple and they are of all shapes and sizes. To add to this conundrum, there seemed to be many temples along the road that all looked fairly big. Every corner we turned we thought we had hit the big temple only to find yet another temple along the road. I never realised Bali had so many temples until I started looking for one big temple.

It was like trying to spot the odd one out in a Balinese procession!

As we kept on passing yet another temple, my driver very kindly pointed out to me "Many temples, Ms Janet." We continued driving and my instinct told me that we would soon bump into this big temple. I wasn't sure how big it would be, but somehow it would stand out, maybe like the Eiffel Tower, although the further along the road we drove, the more rural it seemed to get.
Suddenly we saw a different coloured temple that was made of dark grey marble which had a sign with gold engraving on it. We had made it and shortly afterwards saw Louise's daughter waiting out on the road for us. We had a great time with Louise and her girls at her villa, so it was well worth observing the number of temples that do exist along a short stretch of road in Bali.

Finally, at the end of an entertaining week, after putting my tired girls to bed, I started to switch off all the lights downstairs when I noticed the cat and dogs on high alert. The dogs were barking at something in the kitchen and the cat was in her 'ready, aim, pounce' position. Curiously, I leaned forward to see what was going on and was startled to see a medium sized rat (or extra large mouse), with one very long tail, squealing and sitting up on its back legs as it perched on our kitchen stool! In the dim light, the shadow of the rat almost looked cute, like a squirrel without a bushy tail. I quickly came to my senses and reminded myself that this was not another pet in our household, but unwanted vermin that was hanging around my kitchen. For a short moment, I wondered whether I should search the house for a large spade and attempt to kill this unwelcome visitor. Instead, I decided to leave them all to it and just retired to my bedroom exhausted and hoping that the rat wouldn't look for solace where I was!

Although I could have easily filled my time with work, I was glad I made the time to be 'Mum' and value the adventures, memories and life's lessons that my girls and I experienced together during their half term.

As the wonderful and wise French novelist, Honore de Balzac quoted:

"A mother's happiness is like a beacon, lighting up the future, but reflected also on the past in the guise of fond memories."

Being 'Mum', although exhausting at times, has rewards that far outweigh being anybody else and brings lots of happiness.

Janet

For information about NoLimits personal and professional development, coaching and recruitment services, contact www.nolimitsasia.com info@nolimitsasia.com +65 6232 2466

The Gods Are On My Side!

 

After being immobilised by a mass of Balinese worshippers, luck seems to have been on my side. Either these kind people put a good word in for a harassed looking ex-patriate woman, noticing that I desperately needed help or it could have been to do with my visit to the Goa Gajah in Ubud, alternatively known as Elephant Cave which is thought to have been a hermitage for eleventh-century Hindu priests. Maybe the spirit of an eleventh-century priest took pity on me? Who knows? Whoever or whatever caused this fortunate intervention in my life, has given me hope that no matter what obstacles or challenges may present themselves, we can be grateful for what we do have and be even more grateful when things do go our way.

My first stroke of luck was by booking a KLM flight to Singapore (they are currently offering a great deal). Normally I fly back and fore on the budget airlines which, during the peak times, feels like I've jumped on an over-crowded bus that happens to fly in the air rather than drive on the ground. At times, I also feel a little ripped off, such as when I'm thirsty, I'm forced to pay US$3.00 for a bottle of water when it costs less than US$1.00 in the supermarket and I can't even take my own water on the plane due to security reasons. On the KLM flight, however, I was given water for 'free' and I didn't have to worry about scraping together enough Indonesian rupiah to pay for it! I must have been the source of amusement to other KLM passengers. I felt so privileged and excited to be in economy class, I couldn't stop smiling. I was so grateful for the headphones, the stewardess looked at me peculiarly, like I had appeared from the caveman ages. I hurriedly put on my headphones and selected a nice, romantic movie 'Letters to Juliet'. What a treat! I had no children and no husband to dictate my movie selection. A warning appeared on the screen to let me know that there wasn't enough time to watch the whole film on the flight. I didn't mind in the slightest, the thrill of having a TV screen far outweighed not being able to see the end of the film. The smell of hot bread rolls, drove my taste buds into an instant salivation delight and the prospect of selecting wine to accompany my dinner, seemed too good to be true, so I politely asked for water instead and afterwards kicked myself for not having been bold enough to ask for some wine. The spicy, stodgy noodles delivered to me were a bit of a disappointment, but I optimistically told myself that the food would be much better on my return because the food would be prepared in Singapore rather than Bali. There were mainly Europeans on the flight on their way back home from Bali via a quick stopover in Singapore. I was enjoying my experience so much I wanted to stay on board with them rather than alight in Singapore.

My second stroke of luck was the next day, when I ventured out in Singapore first thing in the morning. I was still smiling from having flown economy rather than budget, the sun was shining and I was on my way to catch up with my long standing French hairdresser Davieeeeeeed (this is how he pronounces his name David and he calls me Janeeeeeeeete which I absolutely adore and makes my knees quiver). En route, I noticed how serious the workers looked in Singapore as they marched to their offices and must admit that I missed the smiling faces of the Balinese
people. Fortunately for me, my hairdresser who usually only cuts my hair, highlighted my hair this time and we spent 3 hours having a wonderful chat comparing the pros and cons of Bali and Singapore.  In the evening I presented to a group of Swedish business professionals and was mistaken for being Swedish! My cover was broken when I couldn't respond to them in Swedish. I was flattered by this compliment and can only assume that they made this mistake because I had my hair highlighted that morning!

My third stroke of luck was on my return to Bali.  Sandra, our Office Manager in Singapore asked if I would like her to try to check in on-line for me and then she could get me a seat at the front of the plane. On the way back to Bali, it always makes sense to sit as close to the front of the plane as possible to get ahead of the long queues of people who quickly congregate and at a snail's pace make their way through the painstaking immigration process. If I can get to the front of the plane, I can cut down my queuing time by at least an hour! When I arrived at the check-in desk, the assistant attached a 'priority' label to my luggage. I thought this as rather kind of her and assumed that she had done this because the plane would be carrying on to a further destination beyond Bali. She then asked me where my return ticket to Singapore was, looked at me suspiciously and sent me over to another desk where I had to quene up again and report to an official looking man. Not being amused about having to queue once again, I pompously explained that I have a villa in Bali as well as a place in Singapore! The officials apologised and allowed me through as a frequent traveller. Rather than the free for all, rugby scrum to the plane, KLM uses a more civilised and orderly approach. They allow you on the plane according to seating order, so after Business Class, people with disabilities and parents with young families, the back of the plane goes first, followed by the middle and front of economy class. I looked at my seat number and it said '2F'. How convenient, Sandra must have placed me at the front of the plane after all. I waited for my seat number to be shouted out, but they seemed to forget about my row, so I assertively made my way forward and joined the long queue onto the plane. The Dutch cabin crew laughed and joked with me that I would eventually get a seat, even if it meant sitting on somebody's lap. I laughed and joked back that at least I would be sitting on top of the long queue.  As I walked through the Business Class section, I could see a blonde, young air stewardess handing out red and bright blue alcoholic cocktails to the passengers. While wondering what these drinks consisted of, I saw two young Asian females laughing and excitedly taking photos of themselves holding up their cocktails with glee and looking as if they had never travelled Business Class before. Well I was excited to be flying economy compared to the budget airlines. When I walked into the economy section, I panicked as the seat numbers started from number 10. I quickly doubled back against the crowd of passengers who were still wading their way down the ailes and I asked an air stewardess what had happened to my number. She sent me in the direction of Business Class!  I couldn't believe my luck, the nitpicky check-in assistant wasn't so nitpicky after all. This kind woman had given me a seat in Business Class! No wonder my baggage was given a priority label. I was treated to a first class meal of salmon and dill appetizer, garouper fish, organic carrots and new potatoes as my main meal and a blackcurrant desert. All this was delivered on porcelain plates and with a real knife and fork. I was given a vanity bag with an eye mask, toothpaste, socks and lip salve and at the end of the journey was given a quaint little porcelain, blue and white Dutch house. The toilets had anti-deodorant, handcream and facial moisturising cream - I used the whole lot and smelt absolutely wonderful which was more than could be said about my neighbour who had B.O. and snored like a fog horn. Oh well you can't win them all, but I did manage to drown out the snoring with my headphones and the fragrant smells of the lotions from the washroom created a protective ring around me which seemed to repel the smell of the guy sitting next to me. This was my first experience of KLM and a very pleasant experience it was. I was very grateful indeed and will remember to count my blessings.

'When I started counting my blessings my whole life turned around." 
Willie Nelson

Janet

Enjoy discovering how to turn your life around on our intensive 7 day NLP programme in Bali this Nov 28 - Dec 4 NoLimits NLP 
www.nolimitsasia.com  

Who is Right?

After having spent the week before last in Singapore, last week I spent the whole week in Bali. Apart from both countries being located in Asia, they are poles apart, like positive is to negative. As usual, Bali tested my urbanised, 'I'm right' ways and I learnt some lessons along the way......

We have a driver who usually takes our girls back and fore to school. For the first three days of last week he was unable to do this as his wife had taken ill, so it was over to me to drive the girls to school and pick them up again. At first it was quite a novelty driving the 40 minute ride across the Balinese countryside; through a chaotic town where it seemed more akin to being a gladiator charging into a ring, rather than driving across the busy junctions (as the traffic is endless, the only way to get across is to nudge your way through. Miraculously, the barrage of motorbike, lorry and car drivers amazingly just seem to let you through without any aggressive beeping of horns or acts of revenge!); and right through to yet more Balinese rice fields, potholes and deep into the jungle where the Green School is situated.

What's interesting about driving in Bali is that I seem to spend most of the time on the other side of the road and I barely get beyond third gear! While dicing with death, to overtake the stream of motorbikes, chugging trucks, vehicles (if you can call some of them this) that are driving at a snail's pace, as if they have all the time in the world (and they most probably do), and the odd ancient tourist bus converting most of its diesel fuel into puffs of smoke in the air, it's like virtual driving on a computer game which has unexpected obstacles that pop up from nowhere.

It was Day 3 of driving the girls back and fore to school and the novelty of pretending to be Formula One driver, Schumacher, on the Bali roads was wearing thin.  By the time I had dropped off the girls, returned home to do some work, back again to school to pick up the girls and back home, I was spending 4 hours of my day commuting and picking up / dropping off the girls!  The final straw to test my patience was when I had to drive up a bank to avoid running over a group of kneeling women who were giving offerings across the junction of a main road (you'd be arrested for causing an obstruction in other countries) and twenty minutes later, my car was suddenly immobilised when I drove into a group of worshippers who engulfed my car like a swarm of bees. As this dense mass of contented, smiling people surrounded my car while singing, creating a din with their drums and merrily ambling along the road, they showed absolutely no concern about causing a delay for me whatsoever. Initially, I felt a pang of annoyance and said to myself 'no wonder nothing gets done in this country!' Gradually, as I stood stationary with nothing else to do but look at these happy, care-free people, I couldn't help but smile. According to my map of the world, I should be able to drive along the road and get to my destination on time. According to their map of the world, it was perfectly acceptable to bring the traffic to a standstill and cause a major bout of congestion. Who was right?  Neither of us really, as there is no right answer and yet by respecting their map of the world (after all I was in their country), I was able to quickly change my perspective and avoid getting stressed about this whole situation I had found myself in.

When I returned home that evening, my attention was drawn to a frame on my wall. It says:-

"Go placidly amid the noise and the haste and remember what peace there may be in silence,
As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly, and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant; they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit. If you compare yourself to others you may become vain and bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your career however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself, especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass. Take kindly the counsel of years gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture this strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are the child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be; and whatever your labours and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace with your soul. With all its shams, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy."
Max Ehrmann 1927 

What can you do more of to respect other people's map of the world? How will it cause less stress if you do?


As well as respecting other people's map of the world, these Balinese people taught me to remember to smile. As Phyllis Diller says:-

"A smile is a curve that sets everything straight."


Remember to smile and your map of the world will change for the better.


Janet
Discover more about understanding maps of the world on our intensive 7 day NLP programme in Bali this Nov 28 - Dec 4 NoLimits NLP 
www.nolimitsasia.com