You Get What You Give

After a month in urbanised Singapore, I've returned to country living in Bali for 3 days, before going back again to run a week of workshops and coaching in Singapore.

I did have reservations about returning to Bali after my highly comfortable month in the city with all its modern trappings, conveniences and my familiar old haunts. Once I'd got through the airport to the car, I remembered I'd always chuckled at the sign that welcomes you to Bali. As the cars, motorbikes and other vehicles queue up to pay the airport car park exit fees, the sign welcomes you to Bali as paradise, a sentiment I am not always aligned with. This time, for some reason, I noticed that the sign actually said 'Your gateway to paradise'. Had they changed the sign? I joked with my husband, no wonder it doesn't feel like paradise at times, it's only the gateway!

This sign left me wondering where paradise could be and I concluded that paradise is a feeling that can only exist within us. You get what you give. If I believe that Bali is paradise, then this is what I'll get. If I believe otherwise, then I'll get that too. Like a boomerang, it will come back to you. It's all to do with the power of our minds and how we perceive things. A friend of mine told me that 2011 was going to be a tough year. "It will be tough if you think it will be" I responded.

While mulling over the words 'paradise', I did recognise that Bali has certain temptations that lure me back, a bit like a boyfriend or girlfriend that you know isn't quite right for you, but you still can't resist. I'm pleased to say that I was pleasantly surprised at how good it felt to be back in Bali. I'm now familiar with the sights, sounds and potholes. The beauty of Bali's landscape has never ceased to amaze me and what I truly like is the feeling of open skies and spaces.  Bali has a rule that does not allow buildings to be built higher than a palm tree (15 metres apparently) and for a change I find myself agreeing with one of the rules that the Balinese government has set.

I had been already reminded of the importance of 'you get what you give' last week while working in Singapore. In our training we refer to this as 'communication is the response you get.' I used to think that if somebody didn't understand me, it was their problem and my response was that they were:-

A. Not interested.
B. Had a different (wrong) opinion.
C. Plain stupid.

The old me usually settled for option C. Now after years of personal and professional development (and making a fool of myself on quite a number of occasions) I realise that I was the one with the problem and not the person whom I was attempting to communicate to. 

Over the last week, I've experienced quite a number of situations where 'you get what you give.' As I waited for a taxi to take me to my training location, I found myself thinking "I feel awful that the poor taxi driver who picks me up has to take me such a short distance." I changed my thoughts to "I have all this video and training equipment so the taxi driver will have to lump it." I then consciously refined my thoughts to receive a better response and changed my words to "I'm sure the taxi driver will be happy to help."

Sure enough the taxi driver treated me in the same way as if he were taking me on a long airport run. He quickly helped me with the suitcase and equipment bags and didn't complain at all when I asked him to take me a couple blocks across the city. I was so impressed with his response at the end of our short journey, I apologised for the small fare, gave him the feedback how impressed I was with his response to my request and thanked him for being so helpful. He told me that it wasn't a problem at all.

Another situation was when I was waiting at the American Club in Singapore for a coachee to join me. I was quietly minding my own business when a member of staff approached me.  "Excuse me, are you waiting for anybody?" he asked. I'm not sure whether his communication style influenced my reaction but I immediately felt as though I shouldn't be there, as I wasn't a member. I explained that I was waiting for somebody and to my surprise he offered me a cup of coffee. His offer was so unexpected that I automatically declined. Then he asked me if I would prefer tea!  I declined again as I had just had breakfast. It was cold sitting directly under the air conditioning, so based on his kind communication, I asked for a cup of hot water instead. His simple, kind gesture enabled me to respond favourably and made me feel good for the rest of the day.

Over the years, I've learned to adapt my communication so I do get the response I'm looking for and this has worked to my advantage on numerous occasions. On Sunday night, for example, when I was kept awake until 2am by the local temple ceremony, the gamelan (an orchestra of gongs, xylophones and rows of tuned metal bars that are struck with a mallet) and the priest were going for it hammer and tongs over their exceptionally loud, loudspeaker. The din reverberated like a Hindu version of a night club.
In moderation I enjoy the sound of the Balinese gamelan that chime across the fields, like a local version of the familiar sound to me of church bells in the British countryside. As I tossed and turned my head on my pillow, it felt like a mallet was striking my head. I tried desperately to find the quietest side, hoping to be deaf in one ear and ended up with the pillow over my head. I very often ask my coachees "what is the feedback telling you?" and decided, on this occasion, to listen to my own advice and quickly change my response, otherwise I was going to have a bad night. I reminded myself that 'you get what you give' and resolved to enjoy the sounds resonating across my bedroom, rather than be annoyed by them, and was soon successfully lulled to sleep.

A word of warning. Be careful not to let down your guard and go back to your old habits. It's so easy to use expressions that we've picked up over the years. At the weekend when my family and I popped over for delicious tea and cake at our friend's house, they enquired whether I had any more snake troubles. I explained that a snake hadn't been spotted at our villa for over a month, the exact time since I had been away. I joked "knowing my luck one will turn up now I'm back". Needless to say that evening a baby cobra decided to make its presence known at our home! You get what you give.

While coaching last week, I came across the following framed verse that was in the ladies toilet of the office I was in and I want to share with you all of you, lady or not:-

Live like today is your last day,
Love like you've never been hurt,
Dance like no-one is watching.
-Ron Hall

Learn from life's lessons and remember that you get what you give.

Janet

What Can Possibly Happen Next?

Have you ever wondered to yourself 'What next?' After a succession of events, you wonder what else could possibly happen? This is certainly how I felt when we had a succession of snakes arrive at our villa.  The more we focused on them lurking around in our territory, the more they arrived en masse, which is inevitable when I was almost stalking them. There's a saying that attention goes where energy flows.  No wonder I couldn't help but think to myself 'whatever next?'! Surely this was the ultimatum and nothing worse could happen?  There's no chance of the Bali tiger popping in as it is now extinct (apparently it wasn't people but the snakes who made them extinct.  The snakes frightened the baby tigers so much that the mothers stopped having babies). I was hoping that now I can live alongside snakes (at a distance and as long as I don't find one in my bedroom, like the time I found vermin droppings and urine stains in my bed while I had been away for a few days), this would be the end to all shocks, worries and surprises in Bali.

More recently while staying in Singapore, my temporary escape to city life made me feel protected by hiding in my ivory office tower which is 10 floors above any wild life that lurks around at ground level, so I didn't need to worry about what was happening in Bali. I could simply shrug off all responsibility and if a snake or any other strange creature of the tropics appeared at our Bali home, in my absence, it wasn't my problem. Well I was wrong. Another problem or for want of a better word 'challenge' emerged in Bali, one which I wasn't expecting and I couldn't shrug off all responsibility, simply because I wasn't there . So another life lesson for me. My Bali life could still catch up with me in Singapore.

I expect you're wondering what this challenge was? It all started with a frantic email sent by our team assistant in Bali.  It was marked as urgent and said 'Cream missing'. Cream is our Bali dog. We adopted her as a puppy and she has been with us since the start of our new adventure in Bali. While we were enjoying the New Year's celebrations in Singapore, Cream had gone missing. We have two Bali dogs and they were both afraid of the New Year's Eve fireworks that noisily cracked and exploded in the neigbourhood. It transpired that on this same evening, two cows had gone missing in the neighbouring field and some stray Bali dogs that usually 'hung around' the local neighbourhood had also disappeared.

It felt like an Indonesian version of Cruella De Vil had kidnapped our dog, two cows and some other local, street roaming Bali dogs. I thought of our well-fed, fat, posh Bali dog mixing with the male 'tramp' dogs or ruffians as my Mum used to refer to and years later, I can now understand her concerns about who I mixed with! My mind wandered all over the place about what could have happened to her. I read between the lines and interpreted our assistant's message as it was all over.  This is Indonesia, someone had stolen our dog and she wasn't coming back. We had to prepare ourselves for the worst. My mind wandered further. Knowing that dog is eaten in Bali and our Cream was as fat as a pot-bellied pig, she would make a wonderful meal. I couldn't take it any longer and decided that we couldn't sit back and accept her destiny, like a jury's verdict that hadn't listened to a fair hearing.  We had ways, means and resources to do something about it. I asked our assistant to talk to everybody in the neigbourhood, to contact our local Banjar (they are like the local mafia, they have eyes and ears open everywhere, have a strong say about their village / neighbourhood and will help protect you, provided you pay into their fund), the dog rescue centres, the vets and to display posters with a reward.

As the days went by and my angst increased, I started to assume the worst. My 10 year old daughter quite rightly told me not to be 'negative' and that she would turn up. This simple and straightforward comment reframed my thinking and quickly put me in a positive state of mind. Sometimes being an adult can get in the way of us remaining positive. Young children have a wonderful innocence and lack of preconceptions, that can get in the way of adults thinking the best. On the fifth day, my 10 year old daughter informed us that she had dreamt Cream had returned and I thought to myself 'I wish it could be that easy.' At precisely 6pm that day, after I had dropped off my daughters for a sleep-over with some good friends and jumped in a taxi, I noticed a text from Bali on my phone. Our assistant was pleased to inform me that Cream had returned all on her own. She was dirty but healthy. I happily shared the good news with my taxi driver, who reciprocated my happiness with a furrowed brow as if he were a little perplexed why I was so ecstatic about a dog. I called my friend and could hear my children leaping with joy at the good news. I phoned and sent texts to all the people I had told about my misfortune which was quite a few people. What a relief!  As they say, all is well that ends well.

The next day after months of abstinence from the gym and with no children around in the morning, I decided to attempt my walk/jog on the treadmill. As I listened to my IPOD, all the songs reminded me of my early morning walk/jogs in Bali with our two dogs. It just wouldn't have been the same going out with our one dog. It would have been like having lost a leg. There would have been no verbal obscenities as I attempted to get our wildly excited and bouncing dogs under control on their leads. There would have been no tangling up of leads and bodies, as if we were playing a game of 'twister' on the narrow rice paddy lanes. There would have been no two dogs crossing over and causing total mayhem as something sparked their interest on the other side and no tripping me up in the process as I dodged the pot holes.  How dull that would have been!

I couldn't stop smiling on the treadmill and it reminded me how good it is to get out, do some exercise and get active, rather than let things spiral down into a dark, lethargic 'thinking the worst state'. The life lessons I learned were to stay positive, keep moving forward and think the best outcome, rather than let our adult experiences and preconceptions influence us to think the worst. There's an English proverb that says:-

"Worrying is like sitting in a rocking chair. It gives you something to do but it doesn't get you anywhere."

I spent far too many days sitting on that rocking chair, worrying about the fate of our dog. Luckily, I had a happy ending to get me off it. Even if the prospects don't look good or the ending isn't what you wanted, get off that rocking chair, think positive and enjoy the now, rather than worry about what next.

On this blog, I've included the song that played on my IPOD that made me smile on the morning when I returned to the treadmill. The words 'The best in life is free' resonated with me.  Enjoy your special moments, memories and remember to think the best about what could possibly happen next.

Janet

Ace of Base, Beautiful Morning: