You Get What You Give

After a month in urbanised Singapore, I've returned to country living in Bali for 3 days, before going back again to run a week of workshops and coaching in Singapore.

I did have reservations about returning to Bali after my highly comfortable month in the city with all its modern trappings, conveniences and my familiar old haunts. Once I'd got through the airport to the car, I remembered I'd always chuckled at the sign that welcomes you to Bali. As the cars, motorbikes and other vehicles queue up to pay the airport car park exit fees, the sign welcomes you to Bali as paradise, a sentiment I am not always aligned with. This time, for some reason, I noticed that the sign actually said 'Your gateway to paradise'. Had they changed the sign? I joked with my husband, no wonder it doesn't feel like paradise at times, it's only the gateway!

This sign left me wondering where paradise could be and I concluded that paradise is a feeling that can only exist within us. You get what you give. If I believe that Bali is paradise, then this is what I'll get. If I believe otherwise, then I'll get that too. Like a boomerang, it will come back to you. It's all to do with the power of our minds and how we perceive things. A friend of mine told me that 2011 was going to be a tough year. "It will be tough if you think it will be" I responded.

While mulling over the words 'paradise', I did recognise that Bali has certain temptations that lure me back, a bit like a boyfriend or girlfriend that you know isn't quite right for you, but you still can't resist. I'm pleased to say that I was pleasantly surprised at how good it felt to be back in Bali. I'm now familiar with the sights, sounds and potholes. The beauty of Bali's landscape has never ceased to amaze me and what I truly like is the feeling of open skies and spaces.  Bali has a rule that does not allow buildings to be built higher than a palm tree (15 metres apparently) and for a change I find myself agreeing with one of the rules that the Balinese government has set.

I had been already reminded of the importance of 'you get what you give' last week while working in Singapore. In our training we refer to this as 'communication is the response you get.' I used to think that if somebody didn't understand me, it was their problem and my response was that they were:-

A. Not interested.
B. Had a different (wrong) opinion.
C. Plain stupid.

The old me usually settled for option C. Now after years of personal and professional development (and making a fool of myself on quite a number of occasions) I realise that I was the one with the problem and not the person whom I was attempting to communicate to. 

Over the last week, I've experienced quite a number of situations where 'you get what you give.' As I waited for a taxi to take me to my training location, I found myself thinking "I feel awful that the poor taxi driver who picks me up has to take me such a short distance." I changed my thoughts to "I have all this video and training equipment so the taxi driver will have to lump it." I then consciously refined my thoughts to receive a better response and changed my words to "I'm sure the taxi driver will be happy to help."

Sure enough the taxi driver treated me in the same way as if he were taking me on a long airport run. He quickly helped me with the suitcase and equipment bags and didn't complain at all when I asked him to take me a couple blocks across the city. I was so impressed with his response at the end of our short journey, I apologised for the small fare, gave him the feedback how impressed I was with his response to my request and thanked him for being so helpful. He told me that it wasn't a problem at all.

Another situation was when I was waiting at the American Club in Singapore for a coachee to join me. I was quietly minding my own business when a member of staff approached me.  "Excuse me, are you waiting for anybody?" he asked. I'm not sure whether his communication style influenced my reaction but I immediately felt as though I shouldn't be there, as I wasn't a member. I explained that I was waiting for somebody and to my surprise he offered me a cup of coffee. His offer was so unexpected that I automatically declined. Then he asked me if I would prefer tea!  I declined again as I had just had breakfast. It was cold sitting directly under the air conditioning, so based on his kind communication, I asked for a cup of hot water instead. His simple, kind gesture enabled me to respond favourably and made me feel good for the rest of the day.

Over the years, I've learned to adapt my communication so I do get the response I'm looking for and this has worked to my advantage on numerous occasions. On Sunday night, for example, when I was kept awake until 2am by the local temple ceremony, the gamelan (an orchestra of gongs, xylophones and rows of tuned metal bars that are struck with a mallet) and the priest were going for it hammer and tongs over their exceptionally loud, loudspeaker. The din reverberated like a Hindu version of a night club.
In moderation I enjoy the sound of the Balinese gamelan that chime across the fields, like a local version of the familiar sound to me of church bells in the British countryside. As I tossed and turned my head on my pillow, it felt like a mallet was striking my head. I tried desperately to find the quietest side, hoping to be deaf in one ear and ended up with the pillow over my head. I very often ask my coachees "what is the feedback telling you?" and decided, on this occasion, to listen to my own advice and quickly change my response, otherwise I was going to have a bad night. I reminded myself that 'you get what you give' and resolved to enjoy the sounds resonating across my bedroom, rather than be annoyed by them, and was soon successfully lulled to sleep.

A word of warning. Be careful not to let down your guard and go back to your old habits. It's so easy to use expressions that we've picked up over the years. At the weekend when my family and I popped over for delicious tea and cake at our friend's house, they enquired whether I had any more snake troubles. I explained that a snake hadn't been spotted at our villa for over a month, the exact time since I had been away. I joked "knowing my luck one will turn up now I'm back". Needless to say that evening a baby cobra decided to make its presence known at our home! You get what you give.

While coaching last week, I came across the following framed verse that was in the ladies toilet of the office I was in and I want to share with you all of you, lady or not:-

Live like today is your last day,
Love like you've never been hurt,
Dance like no-one is watching.
-Ron Hall

Learn from life's lessons and remember that you get what you give.

Janet